5.12.2009

control.

I have discovered in the last couple months especially that I like to be in control. I like knowing where I'm driving, I hate being behind slow drivers. I like controlling my own speed, my schedule, my workout. I control what I wear and what plans I make. It's very hard for me to give control away in any aspect of my life.

Starting late last year, Chad and I discussed getting married. We talked about when we should do it in our lives and how long we wanted to be engaged before we got married. We decided that we wanted to wait until I was done at the Tech in Spring 2010. That's fine; it's something that we both agreed on. I had control over that.

Then earlier this year, we really started discussing our engagement. I wanted to be engaged right away. It started out with me saying, "I want to be engaged before December '09"...then "Before my birthday"...then "Before school's done". All I could think about was starting wedding plans and thinking about our future. I think one of the main reasons that I kept moving it up in my mind was because of the fantasy that I created for myself. I imagined going to one of the events that we have planned this summer and having everyone crowd around us and remark on how great of a couple we are and how excited they are for our wedding. The reason that I bring this up now is because one such event is taking place this Saturday at my sister's best friend's wedding. It's held in my home town and I just imagined all the people who I haven't seen in five years saying "Oh, how are you?" and me replying "Great, I just got engaged." That's the control I'm talking about. I have a fantasy and I want to make it a reality even though I have no say in it.

I am struggling in between having control vs. being surprised. This is Chad's whole big chance to surprise me and ask me to marry him. I am completely overjoyed by that thought. I can just imagine him going out and picking out a ring that he's sure that I'll like and propose to me with it. And it's not that I hate surprises-I just like knowing what's going on with my future. Even though I'm hating this part of myself, Chad is not at all phased by it. He just says that he's glad that there's a girl who he knows will say yes to him. He loves me so much that he looks past this control flaw. I am so grateful to have a man who loves me regardless of these flaws. Whenever I feel that I'm getting too controlling I have to remind myself of these words (parenthetical words added by me):
In {my} heart {I} plan{s} {my own} course,
but the LORD determines {my} steps.

6 comments:

{eleise} said...

I'm with you on that! I hate not being able to control things all the time, even more so when it comes to things I want and want right now!

I was not blessed with patience...

{eleise} said...

Oh and when you do get engaged...it will still be exciting even if it's not the time you wanted! The important thing is that you will be able to spend the rest of your life with the man you love!

brand.new.housewife said...

I'm sure that Chad has something wonderful planned, and it'll be better than you ever imagined.

What a sweet guy to be patient with your impatience. :-) Love you!

bethany said...

Oh, I so hear you on this one. Truthfully, I've only recently realized the daily struggle I have with control. So frequently I find myself grasping for control of the most ridiculous things and believing that if I just have control of this tiny, tiny minuscule thing, I will experience happiness and fulfillment. And it's so, so (so!) untrue!

danielle said...

Oh Amanda, I can relate with you on the control issue. I wasn't even aware of how much I liked to know, in advance, everything that would happen, until recently. I'll do things like at the start of each week, talk to Zach and want to figure out our while week's schedule and when we'll hang out and when we're busy. He's helping me calm down a bit and go with the flow more. =) Much needed.

Andrea said...

I realized a little before I got married that I was controlling. Then when I got married, that was amplified, because I was trying to not only control my life, but TJ's life. And really, God calls us to give up our control on our life. Which is sooo hard and something I still struggle with.

AND, just remember that you only have a few more months of being single. Enjoy that too!

Congrats on getting so close to marriage! It sounds like the next year is going to be an exciting (and busy) one.

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